Cycle

by Joe Agnello

It had been years since I last seen Matthew. At least in person. I remember all the things he did to me, trying to 'educate' me into his ways. And it had worked, God help me, it worked. I try to tell myself these days that it wasn’t me. I wasn’t in control; that it was some kind of mix of Stockholm’s and mind control. But it was me. The bodies, the blood. All mine.

Sure I was cured now. The doctors are telling me that they are able to undo whatever sick methods Matthew had programmed into me. I guess so. I mean, I haven’t taken up the “tools of the trade,” as he used to call them, since he was put down. But I still go through the steps in my head every time I see a subject, no, wait, Victims. That’s what the doctors said. They were victims. It was Matthew who viewed them as objects. But I know they are people. They were people. Victims. All mine.

My head is hurting. Like it did back then. Matthew tried to explain that to me. He said it was part of the process. The ‘knowledge’ being imparted to me. But I know what it was. It was my own shame and disgust turning into pain. Some kind of subconscious penance on my part, I suppose. Even when he had fully indoctrinated me to the way, some part of me still knew that it was wrong. On the other hand, the doctors say that they are uncertain as to whether they can fully restore my humanity, that there may be part of my mind that wouldn’t accept that what I was doing was horrible. It feels exactly like it did back then. Kind of hot and bright. The penance of pain. All mine.

I have to sit down. I move a couple of thing off the chair and sit. Hmm a little wet still. I’ll have to clean up. Matthew. His methods, his tools. Completely wrong. He didn’t understand. Not like I do now. By removing himself from the process, he denied himself the true purpose. The doctors are right. These are not subjects. They are victims. Being able to extinguish the human life as I do now. That is the true power, the true knowledge. Yes, victims. All mine.